What happened to boy meets girl, boy dates girl, Boy loves girl...
Does that happen? Or do we sit here and invest ourselves into deluded possibilities? Do we hope that if we just give ourselves away they might actually notice you? Maybe that's exactly what we our not suppose to do. Is there a switch in our hearts that someone forgot to tell you about? Is this the doom that we set ourselves up for?
How do you just turn it off. How do you keep yourself from falling? How do you enter the middle ground of platonic? I'm so sick of hearing how people will enter some sub par relationship that they have no intention of actually making a real one.
I just want it to be real for once
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Cause this is my diary screaming out loud
I originally started this for a friend. However, it turned more into a personal journal with nothing more but my own thoughts occupying this page (and the one random visitor that found me).
The last two months have been a journey unlike any other. I walk away each day exhausted and reeling. The joy have having one more x chromosome than my fellow male comrades is the ability to let my thoughts veer off into many paths. As of lately my mind has been taking off in so many ways, filled with the analysis of situations I have never found myself in before. To be honest, I'm scared shitless.
It is my nature to shut down when life starts to get a little scary, but I'm still here trying to make the best in a world with absolutely no certainty. It can be overwhelming laying everything out bare for the world to look out on hoping that there will one day be a return unlike anything I could imagine.
Until then...
Well...
I guess I'll see tomorrow
The last two months have been a journey unlike any other. I walk away each day exhausted and reeling. The joy have having one more x chromosome than my fellow male comrades is the ability to let my thoughts veer off into many paths. As of lately my mind has been taking off in so many ways, filled with the analysis of situations I have never found myself in before. To be honest, I'm scared shitless.
It is my nature to shut down when life starts to get a little scary, but I'm still here trying to make the best in a world with absolutely no certainty. It can be overwhelming laying everything out bare for the world to look out on hoping that there will one day be a return unlike anything I could imagine.
Until then...
Well...
I guess I'll see tomorrow
Tossing and Turning
Why is it the older you get the more complicated life becomes? We experience things we can't take back and although we try to move forward our past still haunts our future. It's tragic these stories. They break our hearts and torture our souls. As someone who has her own skeletons I have no answers on how to bury them. The hardest part of growing up is hearing the hurt in the ones you love. All you want to do is take away the pain and tell them that it's ok to move forward. But, no words can satisfy the need of a crying soul.
All I can say is that I love you. I hope one day you will be able to let go of your fear and see that in life there are some things we can not control. This does not make you cursed or a bad person, and although it's human nature to look at ourselves to see how maybe we could have changed things, no answer will fix it.
All I can say is that I love you. I hope one day you will be able to let go of your fear and see that in life there are some things we can not control. This does not make you cursed or a bad person, and although it's human nature to look at ourselves to see how maybe we could have changed things, no answer will fix it.
“One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”
Friday, January 28, 2011
Today I Prayed
A good friend of mine last night found themselves involved in a deep religious and philosophical conversation with me. We both, growing up in very religious families have grown to question the concept of a higher being and religion as a whole. We both experienced similar situations that led us to branch out on our own instead of becoming "Lambs" of a church.
My friend always intrigues me, mostly because after choosing to go down their own path of enlightenment they spent that time actually seeking out answers and studying the concept of religion as a whole. I on the other hand took a whole other route. I felt that the taste in my mouth was too bitter to swallow and chose to turn my back on the idea as a whole. As I found myself deeper and deeper into this conversation with my friend I realized that maybe I should throughly evaluate where I stand as far as religion and God is concerned.
Although my feelings for organized religion is stead fast, I realized a by product of my bitterness was the turning of my back on God. There has never been a point in my life where I didn't have faith or belief in God, but I always related the concept of him to my childhood days when the church in itself let me down. I am not one of those Christians that look at my life and blame God for anything that has gone wrong, however I certainly was upset I couldn't find support in a place that claimed to be the "House of God"
As I mulled over this I realized that my relationship with God, like many relationships in my life has dissolved. I also realized that due to this I really do try to shoulder all of my problems in life due to my lack of faith in humanity. So this morning well all those thoughts that plagued me once again found there place upon my shoulders, I prayed. I laid in my bed eyes closed and I told him everything. I asked him to help me find the strength to let go of those things I can't control, the peace to wait for the answers to some things while they find me, and the acceptance to understand that just because some of these answer may not be what I want, one day I will realize they were what I needed.
I'm not sure how this will pan out and honestly there are still going to moments where I feel frustrated with the lack of control I have over some situations, but this morning when I got up to take a shower I felt like it was all going to be ok. Everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be it's meant to be... Right? Sometimes I wish God had a Crystal ball where he could show me how it was all going to work out, but I suppose that would defeat the purpose of life if he did...
Over and Out
Your Modern Day Wanna Be Heroin
My friend always intrigues me, mostly because after choosing to go down their own path of enlightenment they spent that time actually seeking out answers and studying the concept of religion as a whole. I on the other hand took a whole other route. I felt that the taste in my mouth was too bitter to swallow and chose to turn my back on the idea as a whole. As I found myself deeper and deeper into this conversation with my friend I realized that maybe I should throughly evaluate where I stand as far as religion and God is concerned.
Although my feelings for organized religion is stead fast, I realized a by product of my bitterness was the turning of my back on God. There has never been a point in my life where I didn't have faith or belief in God, but I always related the concept of him to my childhood days when the church in itself let me down. I am not one of those Christians that look at my life and blame God for anything that has gone wrong, however I certainly was upset I couldn't find support in a place that claimed to be the "House of God"
As I mulled over this I realized that my relationship with God, like many relationships in my life has dissolved. I also realized that due to this I really do try to shoulder all of my problems in life due to my lack of faith in humanity. So this morning well all those thoughts that plagued me once again found there place upon my shoulders, I prayed. I laid in my bed eyes closed and I told him everything. I asked him to help me find the strength to let go of those things I can't control, the peace to wait for the answers to some things while they find me, and the acceptance to understand that just because some of these answer may not be what I want, one day I will realize they were what I needed.
I'm not sure how this will pan out and honestly there are still going to moments where I feel frustrated with the lack of control I have over some situations, but this morning when I got up to take a shower I felt like it was all going to be ok. Everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be it's meant to be... Right? Sometimes I wish God had a Crystal ball where he could show me how it was all going to work out, but I suppose that would defeat the purpose of life if he did...
Over and Out
Your Modern Day Wanna Be Heroin
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A Day Late and a Buck Short
Why is it that we as a society have an incessant need to focus on the flaws of those around us. Are we just that apt to project our own problems onto others as to blind ourselves from our own shortcomings? I can't help but think, would the world be a better place if we took the time as individuals to accept our flaws and work on ones self versus spending our time and energy on others? There is no manual on how one should or shouldn't live life, so why does the human race feel they have all the answers and push them onto their peers?
On my path of enlightenment, and by enlightenment I mean growing up, I have noticed that those around me spend a good portion of their time telling me what to do. Now I in no way can say I have it figured out. As a matter of fact my complete openness to being lost in this life may be why others spend there time trying to improve my life. But, in some ways I feel like I'm 5 years old again and the people surrounding me have taken the roll of my parents. I know they want nothing but the best for me, but after 25 years I can only assume I must have some grasp on life and how to survive it. I may not be conventional and I definitely work against the mold, but in all honesty what is life but ones playground to find new ways to live it.
If I spent my life mimicking what worked for the guy standing next to me, what exactly is it that I would gain from life? I might find success, I may find an easy way to get around the hurdles of life, But what do I learn? In my mind all I think is that I get to learn exactly what that guy learned. Well... we only live once, why would I want to live a life that has already been figured out. If I only get one shot I would much rather stumble all over the place off the beaten path than live my life following the beaten path the guy before me made.
I may never have all the answers, but I take pride in knowing that the answers I do have no one gave to me.
On my path of enlightenment, and by enlightenment I mean growing up, I have noticed that those around me spend a good portion of their time telling me what to do. Now I in no way can say I have it figured out. As a matter of fact my complete openness to being lost in this life may be why others spend there time trying to improve my life. But, in some ways I feel like I'm 5 years old again and the people surrounding me have taken the roll of my parents. I know they want nothing but the best for me, but after 25 years I can only assume I must have some grasp on life and how to survive it. I may not be conventional and I definitely work against the mold, but in all honesty what is life but ones playground to find new ways to live it.
If I spent my life mimicking what worked for the guy standing next to me, what exactly is it that I would gain from life? I might find success, I may find an easy way to get around the hurdles of life, But what do I learn? In my mind all I think is that I get to learn exactly what that guy learned. Well... we only live once, why would I want to live a life that has already been figured out. If I only get one shot I would much rather stumble all over the place off the beaten path than live my life following the beaten path the guy before me made.
I may never have all the answers, but I take pride in knowing that the answers I do have no one gave to me.
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